Roller coaster

A mixture of depression, with a pinch of anxiety and a little bit of mania. yep that's the story of my life these past few days. A lot on my mind, which is a sure fire way (from the outside looking in) to know that something is up with me. That something is taking me away from the outside world, and locked me inside of my head, of my mind. 

This affects my appetite, my sleep, my energy level, fuck it affects my life in general. 

I find myself looking around me, at the life that I am living and questioning it all. I don't remember the last time that I was genuinely happy and that scares the shit out of me. I refuse to live by the "you made your bed now lay in it" mantra. I believe that you can start over in a sense. To take all of the tools on hand and rebuild. It won't be easy, nothing worthy ever is. But, I want to take sometime and be patient. To let these emotions simmer. But it's easier said than done. I'm going to try and meditate tonight, just some quiet excercises for my mind. Then again I want to drive to Antietam Lake and just scream, let some of these frustrations out. To get them out of me and throw them into the atmosphere and hopefully make room for the good and cheery energies. 

Now don't think that I don't have anyone that I can vent to and who would just listen to me without passing any judgement, because I do. I am blessed in that way. But, it can get frustrating when I can't say exactly what it is that I want or need because I don't even know this myself. This is what it feels like being Bipolar. No I am not just throwing the diagnosis out there like many do "Oh, that Sarah she's bipolar." Nah. She's not. Well, she might be but what do YOU know? To make this more of a formal introduction: Hello, my name is Cindia and I am living with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Which means that I go through these more significant cycles of emotion at least once or twice a year. By this I mean that although I go through ups and downs during the year there tend to be one or two episodes when I just feel out of control of my thoughts, life, and emotions. 

Writing helps. Whether it's poetry, journaling, or blogging it helps. The reader might not understand what they're reading, but that's okay. But if someone does understand, and sees that they're not alone because they too go through this? That's fine! That's why I am letting it all out, in a public forum. Things happen for a reason (my belief) and someone will stumble upon my page and read this post. And to you I say, be strong, I am sending you good energy, can you do the same for me?