Chapter 31

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So, August came and went just like that! It was quite and interesting month for me if I do say so myself. There was an internal battle that I was fighting. To tell you the truth, I am not even sure if what I was doing was "fighting it" or more so, just planning, thinking, planning, crying, craving, incomplete... Those were all of the many emotions that I was experiencing, and ugh, I hope that I don't go through that or the terrible PMS that I went through. But, I am feeling more at ease (thanks to meditating and some prayers) and for that much I am grateful.

My 31st Birthday came and went. I didn't celebrate it in New York like I had planned. The battlefield took too much out of me. I just wanted to do something local and lowkey. So, I planned a dinner with my immediate family. It was good times, and took a lot of pictures! I also got to eat what I had been craving for a while... A slice of multi layered chocolate cake! It was delicioso!


Along with the month of August came some cool things. One of them was my very first Fabfitfun box! I used to love subscription boxes, but I ended up with a lot of samples and not enough time to use/test/review the items received. So, I cancelled them all. Now I am back with iPSY and decided to try this company. Here is what came in my first box:

 The box is a decent size. You wont be disappointed.

This necklace is the first thing that I reached for. I already loved it

because of the name brand being the same as my son's initials!

Here are all of the items! How cute is that glass bottle? Hydrate, people! I just realized that I didn't take pictures of the Dr Brandt face scrub which I have been using ever since I received the shipment. That tube has a lot of product in it! I always welcome new skin care products, because my skin is very important to me. Also, it doesn't give me much of a choice because it's very sensitive! And the Briogeo Rosarco tube right next to the facial scrub, is what I have been using on my hair whenever my baby hairs will be exposed to a lot of sunlight--heat protectant! Yep. You can use this on your hair to protect your locks from more than blow driers etc...

I dug (liked) the color, but I do not like lip gloss because it makes my lips sticky. I will probably gift this.

Let me tell you... This palette smells great! And the pigmentation? Awesome!

I love neutral shades whether it be in makeup, or nail polish--I am here for it all!

I have this on my bathroom counter, along with my fave palettes and actually use it!

This is a scarf/serong in one. I love the print and it is very soft. I will use this

during Autumn, my favorite season !!

Just read the box and it will tell you what it is. Does it smell great? YES! Have I tried it?

Not yet! But I will soon lol. I have a thing with using pretty things lol takes me a little longer.

So, that's that. I already received my box for the month of September and cant wait to start playing around with the items that were included in my box. Have a wonderful week!

XO.

Hello August

*

Its the 1st of the month! It's August! My birth month! It falls on a nice day this year, on a Saturday! Lord knows for the past few years its been landing on random work/week days. It never feels like a true birthday when you have to go into work! My plans this year are simple. I will get dolled up, go out with my love bug Xenia in NY and sip on some delicious "dranks", and maybe give her a few lap dances haha which isn't too far fetched when I am with her. I already ordered my little black dress but am still on the hunt for the perfect shoes! I am picky when it comes to my shoes lol, they can make or break an outfit. It has been a long time that I have been excited for a birthday.

I don't have pictures to go along with this post. But, I just wanted to catch up and welcome the month of August on here.

Happy Tuesday!
XO.

Let The Good Times Roll

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This past weekend was one for the books! My cousins drove from New Jersey, and one from Oil City, PA with their sons, and girlfriends. We knew that my cousin B would be visiting so that he could see the family, and we could see his son Joel. I figured that if he would be in town, that it would be a great idea to have Luis another cousin, drive from Jersey with his son. The plans worked out and we had a great time! Took tons of pictures! A lot of laughs and nostalgia. The best part? That our children were able to meet Caleb, Luis' son for the first time, and Adrian (my son) could play with Joel, Liam, and see Caleb in the flesh. We always see him in videos, or photographs. Another treat was seeing my heart Genesis (cousin) and be able to rub her belly! She is having a baby girl. God willing, in November. She is glowing! I call her my heart because she is the sweetest, kindest person that I know. She is pure and I love that about her. If you ever read this, I love you! She knows this already lol. Unto the pictures!

Left to right: My older brother Elvis, my father, my mother in pink, cousin B and his lady Stephannie, (his brother and sisters) Jose, Genesis, and Malvina. Adrian, myself, a peek at Joe, Luis and his family Esther and Caleb, on the sofa is Joel and grandma (kid's great grandma) mama Eneria.

(My cousin Jose was trying to take my photo. No Bueno. I still like it lol it has the candid feel.)

Close to midnight the guys went off to my brother's house, Joe took Adrian home to sleep since it was passed his bedtime. And Malvina, Stephannie and I went to an outdoor Tavern for some chit chat and some drinks.

This is the only picture that I managed to save from Snapchat--xocindia.

On Sunday we met up at Malvina's house for dinner. We got to spend time with her son Liam and Darren her fiancé. Joe, Adrian and I got to her place at 7pm and were the first to eat. I was starving like Marvin! I also claimed my seat near the air conditioner lol. I made sure to wear a dress to avoid sweating! I knew there would be a lot of us there, and that it would get hot. And it did!

Darren and Liam are far right : )

We promised to make sure to hang out like this more often. It gets hard with new responsibilities, and life in general. But, we have to make sure to hit Pause on all of the extra shit, and make time for those that matter the most. Our day ones. Family.

XO.

Be Your Own Happy

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For quite some time now, I have been unhappy. And it gets old. It really does. I am 30 years old and am finally realizing that I shouldn't rely on others to make me happy. If I keep on doing so, I will always be in this cycle of high and lows. Because of this, I have been working on doing more things by myself. Things that I know will make me feel fulfilled and happy. Simple things that to some people might seem weird, or maybe even second nature.

I treated myself to brunch. I wanted a nice breakfast and did not want to be the one to cook it. So, I got ready and drove myself to IHop and enjoyed a small meal. Alone. I went around noon and there was still a small crowd of people eating. I didn't take a book or anything, just my phone. I tried not to really use it, and just enjoy my meal, and my time alone. It wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be.

I was invited to a bridal shower/send off on Saturday. And all week I was mentally preparing myself for this. I knew that I would be going by myself, and that I would only know the soon to be Mrs. Lili aka Lili Bear. But, I still went. I got dolled up and everything. I am glad that I went. The women that were there really care about her, and we enjoyed our time. We painted and sipped. I want to go back there to paint pottery next time. I saw a lot of cute ceramic projects that I'd enjoy painting and bringing home.

I've also driven to New York from PA alone, and as nerve wrecking as that was, it wasn't as bad as my anxiety makes it seem. Something that I remind myself is: I always feel guilty, or filled with regret whenever I succumb to anxiety and cancel plans. I rarely ever regret putting the anxiety on a back burner, and going through with plans. It really helps.

Here are a few pictures from last night:

I've felt a certain "pull" towards the color yellow lately. I don't really care for the color, but it is a color that people always mention how they like how it looks on me. 

Outfit details?

Blouse/Top*: is from LOFT and is no longer available in this exact print, but they have one that is almost identical to the one I am wearing!

Jeans/Leggins*: my current favorite! I love the soft material of the jeans, and how they accentuate my butt/curves.

Anything with a * next to it is a link! I made the purchase during one of their many sales, and if you provide your email address, they give you a code for 25% off. I will say that their tops can run a little on the big side, but the jeans/bottoms are true to size.

Shoes*: are by Franco Sarto (one of my favorite shoe brands) at DSW.

XO.

Family Au Naturale

Happy belated 4th of July! My day was pretty chill. Went to my parent's house and had dinner, and got to see and spend time with family that I haven't seen in a very long time. Here are some pictures!

I've been proudly wearing my curls out! I will the leave those details for another post. Yes! My hair routine is worthy of its own post. That young lady is my cousin. We are often told that we look like twins. Do you see it? She embraced her natural locks as well. I think I gave her and her younger sister the bug lol. They both look great with their natural hair. I feel less of a slave when it comes to my hair, specially now, since I am taking better care of it.

Have a great week!

XO.

Vulnerable

Sometimes I write. I don't usually refer to them as poetry. (Come to think of it... I've only told one other person about my writing.) And that might be due to the fact that I don't speak about them at all, really. I am very overprotective when it comes to my art, writing--my creativity in general. But, I've been working on that. But, I write. I find inspiration in many places. Friends, love, music, movies, etc.

Fire Starter

You come into my life

and you strike a match

which lights a fire in my heart-

In my body, and then you

Walk away.

Silence.

Sadness.

Withdrawal.

Time goes on...

You come into my life

and you strike a match

which lights a fire in my heart-

In my body, and then you

Walk away.

Silence.

Sadness.

Withdrawal.

Time goes on.

-
xo.

iTuesday

A few blog accounts ago, back when the Blackberry phones were what was up, I had a feature titled "Blackberry Fridays", well, here is a new rendition of that. Welcome to the first edition of iTuesday! Where I will post pictures from the week before. Simple enough. 

Roller coaster

A mixture of depression, with a pinch of anxiety and a little bit of mania. yep that's the story of my life these past few days. A lot on my mind, which is a sure fire way (from the outside looking in) to know that something is up with me. That something is taking me away from the outside world, and locked me inside of my head, of my mind. 

This affects my appetite, my sleep, my energy level, fuck it affects my life in general. 

I find myself looking around me, at the life that I am living and questioning it all. I don't remember the last time that I was genuinely happy and that scares the shit out of me. I refuse to live by the "you made your bed now lay in it" mantra. I believe that you can start over in a sense. To take all of the tools on hand and rebuild. It won't be easy, nothing worthy ever is. But, I want to take sometime and be patient. To let these emotions simmer. But it's easier said than done. I'm going to try and meditate tonight, just some quiet excercises for my mind. Then again I want to drive to Antietam Lake and just scream, let some of these frustrations out. To get them out of me and throw them into the atmosphere and hopefully make room for the good and cheery energies. 

Now don't think that I don't have anyone that I can vent to and who would just listen to me without passing any judgement, because I do. I am blessed in that way. But, it can get frustrating when I can't say exactly what it is that I want or need because I don't even know this myself. This is what it feels like being Bipolar. No I am not just throwing the diagnosis out there like many do "Oh, that Sarah she's bipolar." Nah. She's not. Well, she might be but what do YOU know? To make this more of a formal introduction: Hello, my name is Cindia and I am living with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Which means that I go through these more significant cycles of emotion at least once or twice a year. By this I mean that although I go through ups and downs during the year there tend to be one or two episodes when I just feel out of control of my thoughts, life, and emotions. 

Writing helps. Whether it's poetry, journaling, or blogging it helps. The reader might not understand what they're reading, but that's okay. But if someone does understand, and sees that they're not alone because they too go through this? That's fine! That's why I am letting it all out, in a public forum. Things happen for a reason (my belief) and someone will stumble upon my page and read this post. And to you I say, be strong, I am sending you good energy, can you do the same for me?

MADE-OVER

I decided to sit down and put in some work into the site. I think that it looks pretty. Clean and pretty. I find that it has been tricky to find/make time to do the things that I used to really enjoy doing before motherhood. I used to always feel guilty or overwhelmed to actually turn on my desktop and play with Photoshop or to just put my thoughts down somewhere. It is important for me to be able to do that. To hold unto a part of me that doesn't have to go away simply because I am --gasp! A grown up.

So, Cindia, be patient with yourself. And even if its at the end of each day, or a few days out of the week, grab something warm to sip on (because the draft that comes from the window in the office is no joke!) and upload and share pictures. Share stories about your day. Trust yourself. And know that it'll all be worth it. *

FLEETING THOUGHTS

Whenever this little space of mine crosses my mind I always feel a little excitement! But then it quickly gets replaced with fear. Fear of putting myself out there, of being judged -- Whatever it may be, I probably think it. But then I always manage to convince myself that fuck it, this is something that I've always enjoyed doing way before it was the "cool thing" --We'll discuss CinBlog101 on another day. No we wont.

I hope you were able to get your way through that mumbo jumbo up there, and see that the moral of the story is do you boo, do you.*